What a year: 2021 was full - of extremes, peaks -, an unstable and unkind year. I look back to an indescribable year, with many unpuzzled pieces, irreversible consequences but also tremendous learnings. A surcharge of emotions, - and a complete lack of them.
Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Anywhere you go, any person you are with or any activity you may be doing, nothing is really enough? It feels like nothing fits, nothing pleases and you desperately seek for something. For the unknown. Something, else?
Have you ever felt like you no longer know yourself? As if you lost your own identity and character, in between desperation, struggle, and suffocation? Lacking dreams, lacking direction, and guidance.
Have you ever felt abandoned, or rejected? Have you ever felt like you are never enough? Me too.
The first days of 2021 were very overwhelming to me. Realising that the person I wanted the most by my side would no longer be there; combined with a lockdown, living in a foreign country, without many friendships around, terrible grey weather, and a job that I was no longer appreciating. At that time, many experiences were based on anger, scare, and sadness. There were moments of distress, and melancholy. It was a lot for me to process, at the same time: erasing someone from my heart, from my life, and from my mind, and not letting that influence the way I behaved in other aspects of life. There were unfinished thoughts, hopes, and things that were never said or done. Traumas, risks, danger, devastation, emptiness, depravation. In that phase, I felt stuck between fighting for something I wanted but couldn't have and giving up and moving on. When I look back, I realize how my spiral thoughts and feelings, love blindness, and lack of self-love negatively affected my life. Some, temporarily. Others, indefinitely.
It was like that for many days, many weeks, and even months. Unable to move forward, I kept distracting myself in an attempt to forget about it. I was fighting for closure, chasing answers; I asked you for a clear break-up, and that never came. Note that I wasn't asking to be loved back, only for a simple and respectful ending conversation.
My mind, tired, was desperately seeking ways to climb out of that dead end, dark and deep, bottom. You meant the world to me but, clearly, I didn't mean the world to you. So, why keep suffering? As time passed by, I decided to embrace, what I call, a ‘spiritual retirement’. In my heart, I considered this as the ultimate weapon to trigger the long-awaited 'healing process'. I didn’t know back then, but it was the beginning of the acceptance phase. I thought about what was in my hands that I could quickly change and would make me feel happier. So, I went away. That need to evade led me to, for almost 3 months, take a piece of hand luggage and live by the beach. Ah, those amazing views. Those intense colours. Day and night. I abandoned my old self and added a few elements into my routine: I started having long walks by the beach, doing short but intense workouts and meeting new and random people. I was just by myself and I felt immense freedom - of mind and spirit, to think or do whatever I wanted to at that point in time. The weather significantly improved so did my mood. From sunrise to sunset, my eyes were filled with brightness and warmness, and with an immense blue gradient, as if the sky and the ocean were in a forever blue love. Some of the people I met during that phase I keep nowadays. They were important to help me go through the heartbreak. They were open and let me comfortably unwind and mourn. We helped each other in different phases of our lives and that brought us together.
For a change, I started feeling that I was worth being loved and that I was or could be a valuable person to others. My self-doubts started to vanish. One day, ‘my bestie’ advised me to write a letter - to put in writing all my feelings. I found that idea super interesting and decided to give it a try. I decided to go to the most remote cliff of the region, from where one can observe the immense ‘big blue’ and be in tune with the peaceful surroundings. I spoke to the birds, I screamed and, finally, I wrote. I wrote you a letter. Maybe two. I re-drafted it; I arranged my thoughts. In my head, that letter contained all the anger, frustration, and resentment I had held for months. I read it to the empty crowd. The original idea implies burning that letter. However, it crossed my mind to send that letter to you. Would that make you realise how your actions, or the lack of them, were impacting me? Would that bring you back? During the week after, I recognised that the main purpose of the letter exercise was to let go of those self-destructive thoughts and move on. The intention was not to bring you back. I had let you smack me down enough and you were no longer worth saving space in my life. I was the one feeling broke, while you get on with your life. So I went back to the same remote cliff, after a working day and after a long walk, on a hot sunny day. I read the letter once more. Two times. Three and four more times. At some point, I had memorised each sentence of it. It was time to let it go, to let the ‘immense blue’ eat what was blocking me in life. I hold the letter, for a very long time. I simulated throwing the letter away, but my fingers couldn't let it go. And finally, endlich, the letter was dropped into the big ocean. My first reaction was to try to grab it back, as the wind when meeting the rocky cliff, was spirally bringing the letter up and down. In the end, the letter gained its own life and flew away from me. I made it, yes!
Days passed by and things were getting better, in between an enjoyable friends’ road trip in a caravan and an incredible discovery of beautiful uncharted territories. I felt my heart with new memories while reconnecting with old friends. The healing process was in progress, and I could feel it!
This journey was finally bringing me back to my normal self. If I would just not be overshadowed by a new shock. I couldn’t believe what I was listening to. I ruined and feared for my own life. It felt life-threatening to me. How could have I had that happen? It can’t be possible. Why was it happening to me? I don’t deserve it. Everything I had slowly built over the previous 10 months was all gone. All emotions, good and bad, are also gone. I spent days and nights in the dark, in the silence. Thinking and overthinking. Disgusted of my own body, of my own self. The healing process, self-acceptance, and facing a new reality were triggered again.
It still is a roller coaster of emotions. I am learning every day not to feel any resentment toward anything or anyone. I choose love, instead, I accept things as they are, and take the most out of them. Embracing my boosters and energisers is what helps me feeling alive: listening to music, doing regular sports, dancing, experiencing new things, and connecting to people. Throughout this (life) journey, I am happy to have attracted well-intentioned people into my life, people who support and accept me, people I can call family. I am grateful for having had an unforgettable 30’ birthday celebration, despite the circumstances. And, I am happy that I met you.
I am proud of myself. Realising that the one I have to be thankful for is exactly myself. I was the one carrying out myself through all the silent battles. I was the one picking myself up in moments of agony. I was the one choosing to get up when I felt down. I am the one who knows what’s best for me. I am a warrior and the strongest thing in my universe. Yes, I am proud of myself. I am the one.
In 2021, I have put my life into perspective. I distanced myself from my own behaviors and I reflected on them. I outlined takeaways and I grew, in all senses of the word. 2021 made me realize that life can be too short to not do things that matter to me, in every single moment. We never know when is the last time we see each other again. And, we never know when our time runs out.
I am maturing more and more every day, correcting my wrongs, and slowly but surely trying to become a better version of myself.
I am out there, and I am to stay.
Mind your health, always. Prevail over yourself.
With (self-)love, J
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